So, here, I have just opened an account at LJ. Although I would admit that this is not the best time for me to be doing this, knowing that the veins through which my creativity, albeit meager, used to flow has been clogged by a malignant and lethargy-inducing type of depression (depression on other occasions works the other way, or maybe its psychological effect does), I am doing it anyway.
Because everyone has to start somewhere, sometime.
***
For the past three years, I have been wondering how it would be like to be writing my thoughts on the Internet, as in a real and coherent essay, as opposed to posting short and random replies on the two message boards of which I am a member. But not once did I act on my curiosity as I was too wary of a lot of things. I felt and still feel that my writing capacities are not sufficient enough to enable me to properly and adequately write my thoughts and what I feel. I felt that I was not the type of person brave enough to face questions about my credibility and the consistency of what I write. In short, I was and still am too insecure. But because of both positive and negative spurs of inspiration, I have finally decided that it's high time I did this.
So what are these inspirations, you ask. The more prominent culprit is easy to tell: since last year, not for a moment have I felt completely happy.
2008 spelled a turbulent life. Bearing the dreadful and constant thought that I might not march in the coming graduation ceremonies, I rushed my thesis in desperation from February until the end of the school year last year. My paternal Aunt, whom I dearly called Mama and who had religiously fulfilled the role of my mother since she passed away only four years ago, was lying in her deathbed awaiting her time at around the same time I was losing my mind and what was left of my hope over my thesis. She finally passed away a few months later, to everyone's heartbreak. In April, my maternal Uncle and Aunt met a vehicular accident. It came so timely in a very distressing way that I thought it was incredible, that it shouldn't be credible. My Aunt lost an eye in the head-on collision. My Uncle, after moments of harrowing agony, died.
All these fateful events not only dampened the emotions I was supposed to feel about finally marching to the graduation stage in April- they made my graduation day nothing but one of the hard days that followed them.
I could not get a grip of myself.
And as if that wasn't enough to make a sane person lose his mind, my girlfriend with whom I have shared the best and worst of the past four years, left just a few days after my graduation. She left to pursue her dreams somewhere not near me. Although this did not fully strike me as a dumbfounding decision, neither was I prepared enough to accept it. She had flatly told me a couple of times she was leaving, but that was the same period where I was too overwhelmed and caught off-guard by what was going on in my life to even pay attention to her.
Or maybe I refused to pay attention. I was too afraid to accept. She was the only one to run to when all hell broke loose. But she, too left.
The ensuing months neither proved to be any better nor at least promised to be of therapeutic value. The pain and sadness, mostly over not having her for comfort, have lingered on to this day, widening further the already existent cracks of my personhood and giving way to confusions within my consciousness. I and everything I do and used to do have been bearing the brunt of melancholy and helplessness. The formerly fiery passion for playing music, especially the guitar, has become a drag. I have forgotten how it felt to get high on every note I hit. Forcing the feeling often left me frustrated that I am close to resigning and keeping the guitar in its case for good.
I have begun to question the purpose of what I do, my very existence, of it all.
***
There, the negative side of my inspiration to start writing on the Internet. Now, inasmuch as I would like to enumerate the things belonging to the other side, I now can see nothing on it. Come to think of it, perhaps there really is no positive side to it after all.
Yes, that just might be correct. I started this here and now because right here (where I am left) and now, I am not fine.
Because everyone has to start somewhere, sometime.
***
For the past three years, I have been wondering how it would be like to be writing my thoughts on the Internet, as in a real and coherent essay, as opposed to posting short and random replies on the two message boards of which I am a member. But not once did I act on my curiosity as I was too wary of a lot of things. I felt and still feel that my writing capacities are not sufficient enough to enable me to properly and adequately write my thoughts and what I feel. I felt that I was not the type of person brave enough to face questions about my credibility and the consistency of what I write. In short, I was and still am too insecure. But because of both positive and negative spurs of inspiration, I have finally decided that it's high time I did this.
So what are these inspirations, you ask. The more prominent culprit is easy to tell: since last year, not for a moment have I felt completely happy.
2008 spelled a turbulent life. Bearing the dreadful and constant thought that I might not march in the coming graduation ceremonies, I rushed my thesis in desperation from February until the end of the school year last year. My paternal Aunt, whom I dearly called Mama and who had religiously fulfilled the role of my mother since she passed away only four years ago, was lying in her deathbed awaiting her time at around the same time I was losing my mind and what was left of my hope over my thesis. She finally passed away a few months later, to everyone's heartbreak. In April, my maternal Uncle and Aunt met a vehicular accident. It came so timely in a very distressing way that I thought it was incredible, that it shouldn't be credible. My Aunt lost an eye in the head-on collision. My Uncle, after moments of harrowing agony, died.
All these fateful events not only dampened the emotions I was supposed to feel about finally marching to the graduation stage in April- they made my graduation day nothing but one of the hard days that followed them.
I could not get a grip of myself.
And as if that wasn't enough to make a sane person lose his mind, my girlfriend with whom I have shared the best and worst of the past four years, left just a few days after my graduation. She left to pursue her dreams somewhere not near me. Although this did not fully strike me as a dumbfounding decision, neither was I prepared enough to accept it. She had flatly told me a couple of times she was leaving, but that was the same period where I was too overwhelmed and caught off-guard by what was going on in my life to even pay attention to her.
Or maybe I refused to pay attention. I was too afraid to accept. She was the only one to run to when all hell broke loose. But she, too left.
The ensuing months neither proved to be any better nor at least promised to be of therapeutic value. The pain and sadness, mostly over not having her for comfort, have lingered on to this day, widening further the already existent cracks of my personhood and giving way to confusions within my consciousness. I and everything I do and used to do have been bearing the brunt of melancholy and helplessness. The formerly fiery passion for playing music, especially the guitar, has become a drag. I have forgotten how it felt to get high on every note I hit. Forcing the feeling often left me frustrated that I am close to resigning and keeping the guitar in its case for good.
I have begun to question the purpose of what I do, my very existence, of it all.
***
There, the negative side of my inspiration to start writing on the Internet. Now, inasmuch as I would like to enumerate the things belonging to the other side, I now can see nothing on it. Come to think of it, perhaps there really is no positive side to it after all.
Yes, that just might be correct. I started this here and now because right here (where I am left) and now, I am not fine.
Profile
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1)
howdoyouendure- howdoyouendure
Syndicate
